What happens to a doormat
by MamaG
Summary: A journey and a surprise
1. Default Chapter

OK, this is just an idea that came to me after reading a few fanfics  
  
  
How did this happen? I have become a doormat; yep the best way to describe me is a doormat. My friends have even began to treat me that way, I was sitting in Central perk yesterday they all started talking I didn't feel involved at all - sort of a spare wheel. So now I am writing letters to each of them to explain my latest decision, what do they need me for anyway the guy who is only there when needed. They have stopped listening to me and I can't stand it anymore, they have each other and they don't need me any more. I'll start my first letter to Rachel  
  
Dear Rachel,  
By now you will have all realised that I am not around. I wonder if it will take hours or days before you check for these letters at my apartment, I guess I will never know. For your part I want you to know that I consider you my best friend, I know that I will miss a lot of important events but I feel that I have to leave. I have no role anymore, I'm not funny, weird or anything but geeky.   
  
I wish things had worked out for us and maybe we could have raised our child together, but you have Joey now and I'm sure that he will be an excellent role model for our child. Monica and Chandler will be there no matter what and Phoebe we be Phoebe until she dies I'm sure, I know that you all will be thinking I'll be back or something the truth is I won't. I don't want to be treated in the way you have all become comfortable with, I can't be the one who is only around when something goes wrong. I WON'T BE A DOORMAT. Tell our baby that I love her/him  
  
I'm almost seeing a different side to myself, this isn't easy but it is helping a lot, my next letter should be to Monica   
  
Dear Mon,  
I'm really sorry that I couldn't tell you in person that I was leaving, but it was all a bit sudden. You have to tell Mom and Dad that I will call them soon, tell them I'm sorry that I can't always be the perfect son. I don't want everyone to be proud of me all the time and I don't want to be some sort of son who has achieved something his parents didn't but I will spend the rest of my life regretting that I did!  
  
As well as my sister you are a great friend to Mon, I know that we were never close as kids but I feel that we have made up for that over the years. Try and understand that I have grown away from the group, not by choice but by being pushed out by everyone whether you knew or not. Mr Dependable - well not anymore, you'll have to find someone else to give that label to. Make sure your Niece/Nephew knows who I am, even if I am made to look like a nasty bastard for leaving without telling everyone.   
  
I'm sure that these letters shouldn't be left for them to find but they have to know how unhappy I am. Chandler or Joey?  
  
  
Dear Joey,  
I hope that you are going to be there for Rachel and the baby, if I had to pick anyone to watch over them both I would pick you. I know that you will do your best for them both. Please know that this has nothing to do with you and Rachel as a couple (that would be something I can deal with by myself), this has to do with how everyone sees me in the group. I am the doormat that everyone comes to when something goes wrong, Mon and Chandler were the start of my getting left out.  
  
How long did you know? I found out by accident I didn't know that they were even together until I saw them through my window making out. You and Rachel at least were open about how you feel towards each other; anyway it's just me having a sound off (This letter means that I am Leaving and NOT coming back Joe)   
  
Poor Joe, I know that the last sentence is a bit blunt but it's something I have to do, I am a Bastard  
  
Dear Pheebs,  
I bet you didn't see this coming did you? I trust you a lot and I know that out of everyone you will support my decision and you will know not to come looking for me. I know how much you were hurt when Rachel and Joey told everyone about them, write a song about it and forget about it. God I wish I could that but I can't, I can't forget about my child that Rachel is carrying.  
  
I know that you will probably either be the last to get your letter or they will wait for you to come around before opening theirs. Pheebs I'll let into a little secret I don't believe in evolution, God or the big bang in fact I never wanted to be a Doctor of bones or anything else I wanted to be happy and a film director. But who knows maybe Marcel can do that for me. So I, Doctor Ross Geller is leaving New York and maybe even America for pastures new I'll miss who you used to be.  
  
I have to move on to Chandler   
  
Well Chan - Chan Man,  
I'm glad you married my Sister, as now I can leave without worrying that she will fall for the wrong guy ( You are the right Guy!) Anyway man I haven't really got much ink left so I guess you'll have to a short letter of thanks and general moans, I have a lot to thank you for, you are a good friend.   
  
I will never forget college and the mess you got me into with that stupid list (poor Rachel). I can't believe I listened to you, now you are about to be an uncle to my baby (I wish I could see it man) Well this pen ain't gonna write forever so I better stop. Bye Man  
  
In truth it's a brand new biro, I knew that if I gushed everything out I would want to stay for them, not for myself and it wouldn't be fair. I turn the stereo on   
  
"Everyone so Blurry and everyone's so fake, Everybody's empty"   
  
I walked over to the window and saw Chandler and Monica fussing over Rach, I stood and watched closely then Joey and Pheebs stroll in with a big cot and Rach is crying. Seeing her cry always breaks my heart even if it's when she is happy.   
  
"Everyone is changing there's no one that is real"  
I made sure that all the envelopes were sealed and I left, with a light suitcase and nothing else. The tenants will be there to look around in 3 days; will my friends notice by then?  
  
  
  
Well Hate it? Tell me 


	2. Everyone misses the welcome

Thanks everyone who reviewed the first chapter, it's a bit of a fill in for the reactions. Don't worry they'll be up soon  
  
"Has anyone seen Ross today?" Monica looked around the coffeehouse. "Actually, I have but only coz I was having a dream. He was in it" Phoebe looked at everyone staring at her "Well, I gotta fantasise about someone!" Monica looked at the others "Anyone seen Ross in person today?" Everyone shook their heads "He wasn't at the museum either" Rachel added, as everyone looked at her "Don't ask, most people get cravings for food. I get Damned Museums," The conversation continued until Rachel spoke "Um... Guys I think... I'm in labour." A chorus of "Oh my God's" erupted among them.  
  
Monica took charge, "Right the ambulance will be here in a few minutes. Chandler go and try to find Ross, the key to his apartment is in the pot on top of the fridge. Phoebe go get Joey, he is doing some extra bits to a scene on "Days of our lives" I'm going to look after Rachel and I'll go to the hospital and meet you all there." Chandler and Phoebe looked at each other and Rachel "What are you two still doing here? Move it now!" Monica yelled, Rachel gave her a look "Sorry, will you two please go and do what I asked you or Ross and Joey are going to miss this" Phoebe and Chandler left both mumbling about something. "You ok Rach?" Monica looked at Rachel sitting on the couch "Yeah, I'm just in a lot of pain, I'm scared, nervous and the two people I want here are... Well Joey is on Dool and Ross is, where is he?" Monica shrugged "I don't know. What the hell is Dool?" Monica was lost "Days of our lives" Rachel said simply.  
  
Hospital a lot later  
  
"Oh my God, she had a little girl. She wants Ross to go in" Monica rushed down the corridor towards her friends. "Where's Ross?" Chandler stood in front of her "Here, you'd better sit down" Phoebe and Joey were crying, Chandler had given her an envelop with her name on. It was Ross' writing. Monica opened the letter, as she began to read her eyes filled with water "Where did you find this?" She asked her husband in between her sobs "At Ross' apartment, I'm sorry Mon. He's gone" Chandler held his wife "Is that Rachel's?" She looked at the envelop in his hand, he nodded against her head. She took the letter and walked back down the corridor 


	3. Rachel: How can this be?

The reactions are in 5 different chapters and go in order of how Ross wrote the letters. So this is Rachel's thoughts, feelings and rants  
  
I have just given birth to my beautiful daughter and all I can think about is "where's Ross?" For three hours I have expected him to come through those doors with a big bunch of balloons and panicking about missing the birth. Even now he is nowhere, he is in so much trouble when I get my hands on him. What if he has been in an accident and the others know and don't want to tell me? Ok now I am starting to freak myself out. Ross wouldn't have missed this for the world, I know that he hasn't been his self lately but he would NEVER miss this.  
  
Monica came in crying and telling me that I have to read this letter; as soon as she gave it to me I noticed Ross' handwriting. She said that she would leave me alone; I tear the seal and begin to read:  
  
By now you will have all realised that I am not around. I wonder if it will take hours or days before you check for these letters at my apartment, I guess I will never know.  
  
What does he mean? Where has he gone? I feel tears threatening to break and I've only read the first two lines.  
  
For your part I want you to know that I consider you my best friend, I know that I will miss a lot of important events but I feel that I have to leave.  
  
LEAVE? How long for? Those tears are falling now; I can't control myself. I hold back as much as possible trying hard not to wake our baby. A lump in my throat has lodged hard and my breathing has become erratic.  
  
I wish things had worked out for us and maybe we could have raised our child together, but you have Joey now and I'm sure that he will be an excellent role model for our child.  
  
I had no idea that he felt like that still, oh God. Joey isn't his replacement; Ross is supposed to be her role model. I look at the little girl across from me "Who's gonna teach you about Dinosaurs and all the boring stuff that I couldn't stay awake to learn at School?" I know that Joey, Phoebe, Monica or Chandler couldn't handle stuff like that.  
  
I know that you all will be thinking I'll be back or something the truth is I won't. I don't want to be treated in the way you have all become comfortable with, I can't be the one who is only around when something goes wrong. I WON'T BE A DOORMAT. Tell our baby that I love her/him  
  
Have I had my eyes closed? I never knew that we had started treating him differently; maybe we had all become comfortable to depend on Ross whenever things went wrong. No he may not be funny or weird, but he is Ross and that's what I love about him. He's the Father of my baby, the baby sleeping soundly by my side who has no idea what a big event she has just missed. He will be back, he must be. I need him.  
  
The next Day  
  
I hate him, how can he do this to us? My God, to think that yesterday I was on the verge of blaming all of us for him leaving. I don't need Ross Geller; I can cope on my own. I'll show him, deserting he's baby before she was even born. I hate him. Monica has been in today, she looks awful, she looks like she has been up all night worrying about her good for nothing Brother. Surely he must know how worried we all are, I know that I just said I hate him but how can I hate the Father of my child? 


	4. Monica: Where did he go?

Here's what Monica thought  
  
  
  
I rushed down the corridor to get Ross; I knew that he would never have missed this. The first thing I noticed was Phoebe and Joey crying, at the time I thought something had happened to Ross. All sorts went rushing through my head, Car accident, some bones had fallen and knocked him out. Chandler had told me to sit down and it was then I noticed the two envelopes in his hand, I must admit I don't remember seeing Joey or Phoebe's envelopes but they must have been there. I took a big breath before opening it.  
  
I'm really sorry that I couldn't tell you in person that I was leaving, but it was all a bit sudden  
  
Leaving? Why? This was Ross, my Brother. Why couldn't he tell me this? My own Brother doesn't trust me  
  
You have to tell Mom and Dad that I will call them soon, tell them I'm sorry that I can't always be the perfect son. I don't want everyone to be proud of me all the time and I don't want to be some sort of son who has achieved something his parents didn't but I will spend the rest of my life regretting that I did!  
  
Oh My God, I never knew that he didn't like all the attention that Mom and Dad threw at him. How can I tell Mom and Dad that? As much as I hate the way idolise Ross I couldn't crush that, it's too important to them. I can't imagine them treating him any other way.  
  
I know that we were never close as kids but I feel that we have made up for that over the years  
  
Where would I be without him? I guess I'm about to find out. Brothers and Sisters aren't supposed to be close, but with Ross I think of him as a friend first and Brother second. I could never let him win though, just remember the football game at Thanksgiving, we stayed holding that ball for hours, by the time we had called it a draw all the turkey was gone with more than a little help from Joey. How stupid were we?  
  
I have grown away from the group, not by choice but by being pushed out by everyone whether you knew or not  
  
Pushed? How unhappy is he? I mean this is Ross, he can be a brat but he has his head screwed on. I can't help that this has been building for a long time and that he could come and talk to any of us must have meant something.  
  
Make sure your Niece/Nephew knows who I am, even if I am made to look like a nasty bastard for leaving without telling everyone.  
  
Sometimes I think Ross is insane, that part of the letter only proves it. As if I would let anyone call him a Nasty Bastard, if anything we had a part in him leaving. We didn't even notice that he was feeling like this  
  
The next day  
  
I just went to see Rachel; we talked for a while. Strangely not about Ross but about the new addition to our group, she looked terrible. I wonder what she thinks about the whole thing? She can't be happy especially since Ross promised that he wouldn't miss the birth. Ben, what about Ben? I must phone Carol and Susan to see if they have heard anything from Ross 


	5. Joey

Sorry it took so long to do I've been away…. Here's Joey  
  
  
  
Pheebs came and got me from the set and we grabbed a cab and headed for the hospital, I was happy the girl I love is having a baby. It may not be mine and she may not love me back but this is "our" baby, we are all aunts and uncles. Ross and Rachel's child, I'd like to think it was their first child after all if I can't have Rachel then she without a doubt belong to Ross. We had just arrived when Chandler came round the corner with some letters "Hey Man, she just had a baby I don't think she wants to read her mail, it's probably a credit card bill!" Pheebs started laughing, Chandler looked at us "There is one here for all of us" Pheebs and I looked at each other "Why would we get letters delivered to Ross' house?" Pheebs gave her usual puzzled looked. He handed us our letters, Ross' handwriting; this had to be bad.  
  
I hope that you are going to be there for Rachel and the baby, if I had to pick anyone to watch over them both I would pick you.  
  
I don't need to be there for Rachel, she has you. I look at the page, I want to scream "SHE LOVES YOU" but the words won't come, maybe it's because I don't want them to be true but as sure as the sky is blue, when it's not raining and stuff, Ross and Rachel belong together. I, Joey, know this.  
  
  
  
Please know that this has nothing to do with you and Rachel as a couple (that would be something I can deal with by myself), this has to do with how everyone sees me in the group.  
  
He just told me how he feels about Rachel? Rachel and I as a couple the image is nice but sadly only in my dreams. I look at Pheebs who is close to tears. If he could see us now he would know how we see him.  
  
1 You and Rachel at least were open about how you feel towards each other  
  
Yes, Rachel was very clear how she felt about me and if he were here he would know that. My mind wanders to how Rachel will react to this news, she is having their baby and Ross has run away, but he'll be back.  
  
  
  
(This letter means that I am Leaving and NOT coming back Joe)  
  
Maybe I was wrong. After I had finished the letter, tears streamed down my face and I realised that Ross wasn't running because of us treating him like a "doormat" this had to do with me telling Rachel I love her, he thought that she would pick me. Poor Ross.  
  
I look down the corridor and see Monica coming towards us "Oh my God, she had a little girl. She wants Ross to go in" she looks so happy, she must know something is wrong. Pheebs and I are hugging each other now and sobbing, "Where's Ross?" Chandler stood in front of her "Here, you'd better sit down" Poor Monica she looks like a tonne of bricks just hit her. Monica opened the letter, as she began to read her eyes filled with water "Where did you find this?" At Ross' apartment, I'm sorry Mon. He's gone" Chandler held her "Is that Rachel's?" She looked at the envelop in his hand, he nodded against her head. She took the letter and walked back down the corridor. Damn him for doing this to Rachel! 


	6. Phoebe

Here's Phoebe  
  
I bet you didn't see this coming did you? I trust you a lot and I know that out of everyone you will support my decision and you will know not to come looking for me.  
  
Oh Ross what have you done, how did I not see this coming? I knew how stressed he was and the whole Joey/Rachel situation didn't help. Ross is like the brother I never had, well until I met Frank, Jr of course.  
  
I know how much you were hurt when Rachel and Joey told everyone about them, write a song about it and forget about it.  
  
But they aren't together; I did write a song about it though it was quite good as well. Someone gave you the wrong information Ross; Rachel doesn't like Joey in that way  
  
I can't forget about my child that Rachel is carrying.  
  
For someone so clever you can be so dumb sometimes, even if Rachel and Joey got together, your child would still be yours and nothing would ever change that. Oh Ross, I start to cry I know that Joey is looking at me but I can't help it.  
  
  
  
I know that you will probably either be the last to get your letter or they will wait for you to come around before opening theirs.  
  
See how wrong you are, I'm reading mine before Monica and Rachel. You would probably be a little upset that we didn't all open them together and after what I am reading it's a good thing 'cause Rach will need our support now more than ever,  
  
Pheebs I'll let into a little secret I don't believe in evolution, God or the big bang in fact I never wanted to be a Doctor of bones or anything else I wanted to be happy and a film director.  
  
At this point I didn't believe him that much, Ross Gellar does believe in evolution and he rented the movie about 8 times, of course he wanted to work with Dinosaurs he was always happy when he was talking about them. He even took Rach to the museum a few times. Lies all lies  
  
So I, Doctor Ross Geller is leaving New York and maybe even America for pastures new I'll miss who you used to be.  
  
Idiot, how can he do this? And I'm still the same person, I still write little songs. I am always the same person Ross. I'm sorry. Joey has began to start crying and I can she Monica approaching to get Ross I imagine, how will she take it? 


	7. Chandler

Here's Chandler  
  
  
  
"Right the ambulance will be here in a few minutes. Chandler go and try to find Ross, the key to his apartment is in the pot on top of the fridge. Phoebe go get Joey, he is doing some extra bits to a scene on "Days of our lives" I'm going to look after Rachel and I'll go to the hospital and meet you all there."  
  
Monica had taken charge as usual; I got to our apartment quite quick considering the traffic was a nightmare at this time. I grab the pot from the fridge and take the keys, I just hope he isn't walking around somewhere else, Rach is gonna need him after the birth. My two friends are about to be parents wow! I know that it will be Monica and I soon, that doesn't scare as much as it did. Monica makes me feel easy about it.  
  
I open Ross' apartment door "Ross, Ross? Come on Man, Rach is having your baby!" This is strange, unless Pheebs and Joey have found him at the museum. Ross' apartment had always intrigued me, the fact that Ross wasn't here gave me a good excuse to snoop around and touch the claw thing on his shelf (No one is aloud to do that!)  
  
I walk over to the kitchen counter as soon as I noticed the envelopes, I was confused and then my heart sank. In the seconds it took me to read the names, I knew that he had run. I shook my head (this is Ross, he wouldn't run.) I gathered the letters and run out the door, slamming it a bit, I had made the cab wait outside. I got in and told him to take me back to the hospital and then I opened my letter.  
  
I'm glad you married my Sister, as now I can leave without worrying that she will fall for the wrong guy (You are the right Guy!)  
  
I had prayed that the letters weren't what I thought but I couldn't hide the shock "Hey, you ok?" A caring cabbie, I nod. I want to scream that my best friend has just run away and left his ex girlfriend to look after their baby, I feel angry with myself for not noticing that he was planning this.  
  
I have a lot to thank you for; you are a good friend.  
  
I feel the tears threatening to fall; I can't help it. At this point I start to wonder what's in the other letters; Mon's especially. What exactly is he thinking? The cab stopped and I paid the man, walking through the foyer I slow myself down. I look at my letter and realise that I am the one who has to tell everyone, Oh God. I take the elevator up to the third floor. I neared the corner and I stopped to take a deep breath.  
  
Joey and Phoebe sat there, I think they asked where Ross was but the words wouldn't come and I just handed them their letters. Poor Joe, tried to crack a joke "Hey Man, she just had a baby I don't think she wants to read her mail, it's probably a credit card bill!" Pheebs started laughing, I looked at them "There is one here for all of us" Pheebs and Joey looked at each other "Why would we get letters delivered to Ross' house?" Pheebs gave her usual puzzled looked. They had started to cry as soon as they had finished their letters; at this point I felt like the grim reaper or a bully who had just stole their lunch money. I look down the corridor and see Mon, this is gonna be hard. 


	8. 3 months later: Trying to deal

This is set 3 months after the letters and Phoebe isn't convinced about Ross' reasons.  
  
  
  
"Its weird that Pheebs is the only one who will go over there" Chandler looked over at Ross' apartment "Well she is renting it!" Rachel snapped at him. Emma started to stir and everyone stayed silent.  
  
Ross' apartment  
  
Pheebs rummaged through the drawers, she was never convinced that Ross left because of the excuse he had given, but the others had taken his decision to heart. Nobody talked about him anymore, they had never read each others letters but Pheebs was sure that they had been dealing with it in the own way. Rachel had thrown herself into Emma, although Pheebs had caught her crying on more than one occasion. She was pulled out of her thoughts when she had seen the envelop with an English post mark. It was from Emily, just seeing how Ross was. There was mention of hospital but that could be for a baby check up.  
  
Phoebe looked at her watch; she was getting hungry looking out the window she saw that Mon was just about to get dinner ready. Grabbing her coat she closed the door.  
  
  
  
"Hey guys" Phoebe walked into Monica's apartment; everyone said their hellos. Emma was getting big, even though she was only three months old and Rachel doted on her so much even worse than Monica! "Hey Emma, its aunty Phoebe" Phoebe stuck out her tongue.  
  
Emma had fallen asleep early in the evening; Carol and Susan had asked Monica to baby sit Ben. A little way through the night Emma began to cry, "Oh No, where's her dummy?" Rachel ran around the apartment pulling up cushions, Ben tugged at Rachel "Aunty Rach, are you looking for this?" He dived in front of the drawers and stuck his arm right to the back "My Dad said that if you want to keep something safe or secret then put it right at the back of the drawers nobody looks there" Ben pulled his hand out with the dummy "see" he smiled and popped it into his sister's mouth. 


	9. Is it too late to say thank you?

This is what has been happening to Ross, there was protested on the first reviews I got that Ross wouldn't leave… Well I hope your ready for this  
  
It's been 3 months since I've seen my friends; my little girl has been born. I've been in and out of the hospital for those months. This was something I had to go through alone. I hope they don't hate me; I couldn't put them through this. "Hi Ross" Emily walked over to me "How are you feeling?" I look at her "Better, I want to go home though. I want to hold my baby" Emily looked at me " I still can't believe you didn't tell them. If" I cut her off "I didn't want to put any pressure on Rachel when she was pregnant and the others would have treated me differently. I'm just glad that I had them seen to as soon as possible." Emily looked again "But was the whole letter thing necessary?" I nod "If I hadn't have done that they would have found out" Emily shook her head "I'll be back later after the doctor has been" I nod "Emily, Is it too late to say Thanks?" She turned "Not now"  
  
I pick up my pen and begin to write, I love writing poetry its so relaxing.  
  
1 Haven't been here for a while  
  
Sitting with nothing to do,  
  
I can't leave this place  
  
I have grown with it  
  
Nothing will ever be the same  
  
I have left myself behind  
  
In my shell I exist  
  
Fighting blindly for the true me  
  
Will I ever win?  
  
I'd lost my way again  
  
Before anyone could save me  
  
I tried to keep it in  
  
Somehow it escaped  
  
What a year to lose you.  
  
I start to think about Rachel and seeing my baby, I wonder if they can forgive me for this. Am I hiding for no reason? I begin to drift off to sleep  
  
I know that I was dreaming but I can't remember much of it, Rachel and Emma was in it but that's all I remember. A knock at the door loosens my grip of the dream "Hey you" Emily walked through the door and I smiled "Hey, was the doctor here?" she nods "She said that you can leave in the morning. You can go home" she hugged me "Can you come with me?" I feel a bit childish but I'm going to need support when I tell everyone. "Ross, of course I will, Justin called a while ago and I'll be leaving in 3 days. I'm yours 'til then" Justin is Emily's new husband, he doesn't seem to mind that his wife is helping her ex – husband to get over this.  
  
It's amazing who you turn to in a crisis; the least likely people are always the greatest to help out. I am so grateful to Emily for all that she has done. I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the mirror, I look so different, I'm a lot thinner, and the bones around my neck stick out. The whole experience has taught me a lot about myself, I want to leave now, get out of this hellhole that I've been stuck in for 3 months. I start to pack as my doctor walks through the door "Um, Mr. Geller what are you doing?" I look at her "I want to leave now. I can't take it anymore, I have my family to think of" she studied me for a minute "Mr. Geller, I know that but I just want to make sure that you are up to travelling unaccompanied" I smile "Emily is going to go with me so I won't be alone, look please I want to see my daughter" she nods "OK, Mr. Geller give me an hour and I'll get your release form" I thanked her and she left, I started to ram everything into my suitcase, thankfully Phoebe had rented my apartment from my parents so it shouldn't be too much hassle for me. 


	10. A journey home

It's been 5 months since I found the lumps; they were the size of a pea at first then they grew. Luckily I had been intimate with anyone and I always keep my legs covered, so being me I went to the doctors to get them checked out. I thought I would get a phone call saying that they would go away and they were nothing serious, in reality it was a different matter the doctor called and said that I would need aggressive chemo on them, as there was a chance of spreading!  
  
I wanted to tell Rachel and everyone it was just too hard what with the pregnancy, Joey, Phoebe telling me to go for it with Rachel and Monica being Monica I just felt like I would be a burden. I told 3 people (Mom, Dad and Emily) they are the only 3 that exist out of the group. Mom and Dad have been keeping me up with what Emma looks like and that she looks a lot like me, I can't wait to see her.  
  
Emily looks at me from the drivers seat "How you feeling?" I look at her; I don't think I will ever be able to show her how grateful I am "Nervous, scared, happy, excited all mixed up. Can I put the radio on to take my mind off this?" I ask like a little boy because that is what I feel like. "Go ahead, just keep calm" she grins at me, I reach out and turn the radio on "Now an old song from Canadian rockers Nickelback."  
  
"Tell your friends not to think aloud Until they swallow Whisper things into my brain Your voice sounds so hallow  
  
I am not a leader of men Since I prefer to follow"  
  
Emily stops outside Monica's apartment building "I can't do this" I start crying, "I've let them all down, why didn't I just tell them?" I say uncontrollably. "ROSS. Calm down" Emily looks a bit scared at this scene that has unfolded before her "Now we are going to go up there and you are going to tell them everything and get your life back!" she genuinely means it too. Its at this point Phoebe walks up to my apartment and sees me, I know I'm stuttering coz Emily has no idea what I am saying "what?" I point over to where Phoebe is standing. What am I going to do? 


	11. 1 step closer

Phoebe starts to walk across the road; her face is a mix of confusion and anger. I look at her, it's so good to see her. "Ross? Is that you?" I must say that I look different to when they last saw me. I nod "Oh my God, where have you been? I should be really mad but I want to know why first" trust Pheebs she can always think logically, which is quite surprising. "Ok, but let me explain somewhere else this is to open" knowing what I mean, "come up to the apartment, I'll close the curtains" of course Pheebs being Pheebs starts singing "To see for certain what I thought I knew' o0o0o0 I have a new song" no change there I see.  
  
The apartment has kept most of it's furniture and looks pretty much the same apart from Rachel's stuff is gone "Ok, I'm listening.." I replay the whole story from finding the lumps to deciding what to do about the Chemo "I don't understand why you didn't tell us" she has tears in her eyes "and why Emily is here?" I look down "Pheebs, Rachel was pregnant I couldn't burden her with me as well and you know what Monica would have been like. She would have been checking that I was ok every 2 seconds I couldn't put up with that it's bad enough when I have a cold, but Cancer can you imagine?" Pheebs nods knowingly "What about Emily?" Emily looked at me "allow me to explain. Ross needed to tell people who had no connection with you guys; which is why he only told 3 people that he knew wouldn't tell a soul. I was one, his Mom and Dad the other 2. He didn't mean to upset anybody it was just the situation" God she is GOOD "Why didn't you let us know that you were ok?" I sit and think about the question "Pheebs, could you honestly say that everyone wouldn't want to know why and where I was?" I could see the picture falling into place for her "But your cured?" I nod "But the others are gonna be harder to explain to than you"  
  
1 down 4 to go. 


	12. Arrangements

Pheebs and I had made a plan to contact everyone without seeing or speaking to them, I wrote a note, which said Dear. I have a lot of explaining to do, just to let you know that I'm ok and back in NY, if you want to contact me please use this number 555- 0201 - 9801 Ross. Pheebs would also get one even though she has already seen me; I'm relying on her acting skills.  
  
"MONICA" Rachel yelled running into her friend's apartment, Monica sat with a piece of note paper the same size and shape as what Rachel was waving in the air "You get it too?" Monica nodded "I don't want to see him Rach! I don't care anymore" Rachel nodded "I feel the same way, how does Chandler feel?" Monica shrugged "Whatever I decide will be what he decides!" Joey runs through the door "GUYS!" a look of disappointment crosses his face "well at least he is alive, not that I will be contacting him. After what he put us through why should I? What about you guys?" Rachel moves in her seat "we feel the same"  
  
"O0o0o0o0," Pheebs walks into Monica "I got a message from Ross, did everyone else?" They all nod "So when are we calling him?" Rachel looks at Monica and Joey and Chandler exchange the same look "We aren't. Not after everything!" Rachel looks down at Emma "WHAT? This is Ross. You don't even wanna know why he left?" Monica shifted "No" Pheebs knew she was lying, in fact everyone at the table wanted to know "I'm gonna call him" Phoebe lepta to the phone "Hi Ross?" she smiled "I'm fine thank you, how are you?" she waited for an answer "So do you fancy coming over tomorrow?" a long pause "It's just me, at your apartment." Another pause "I'm just wanna know why you left." The gang seem to be waiting for her to get off the phone "I don't think so.No. So tomorrow at 12? Ok, I'll see you then Ross. Bye" she turned to her friends "Oh my god, that was so hard. But he sounded really good!" Rachel looked away "He didn't ask about Emma?" Phoebe looked at her "Of course he did, he said is there a chance he could see her tomorrow. I told him it would only be me and he sounded a bit down" Monica scowled "HE could have seen her anytime!"  
  
"Rach, so you don't want to know why he left you to cope with Emma on your own? Maybe it was something serious. How do we know?" Joey looked at Phoebe "Just leave it, we don't want to know!" Phoebe sat for awhile "I'm sorry but I can't be here with all this negative energy" picking up her jacket on her way out "12 tomorrow" 


	13. Can't do this

Ross'/ Phoebe's Apartment  
  
"I'm gonna open the curtains" Phoebe stood up "they can be so stubborn!" sure enough Rachel, Monica, Chandler and Joey were at the window trying to see Ross, Phoebe had made sure that Ross wouldn't be seen out of the window by turning the sofa to face the door "I told you, they are standing at Monica's window" at this point I want to turn round, I know I cant but it doesn't stop me wanting to see everyone.  
  
"He has lost a lot of weight" Rachel sounded worried "Yes he has" Monica looked at her brother through the window, by this time Phoebe was hugging him and trying not to look at her friends across the way. I didn't want their pity; I wanted them to come over on their own. Within a few hours I had forgotten about the on lookers as I went to help Phoebe with the dinner, it felt strange making dinner with Pheebs; I must admit that I have never cooked a vegetarian meal before but this was good and the whole thing felt right.  
  
I have missed everyone so much; maybe I was wrong to leave I don't think I could have taken it "Penny for them?" Pheebs offered "Just thinking about everyone; I've really missed them and I was just trying to work out how to. I don't even know what I want to say!" God I'm soo stupid; yep stupid. "Ross everyone will be fine, it's up to them and you have to realise that you missed some really big events while you were away; I know that you had reasons which I can understand but they have no idea what you have been through. Just give them time OK?" I nod and reach down for my medicine, I hate myself; Pheebs is right I have missed soo much of their lives. What am I doing here? I should have just stayed away.  
  
Monica's apartment  
  
"So what are they doing now?" Chandler asked the others standing at the window "They've been in the kitchen for ages. I think they are cooking" Monica looks at him "Speaking of food; Mon any chance for some?" Joey looked at her "Joey I'm trying to see my brother. Not now" Mon stood in front of the window with Rachel "God, come on get your coats" Chandler stood up and walked to the door "Where are we going?" Rachel asked "Well, seeing as you two have been glued to that window since 12 and it is now 6 I think that maybe we should go over there and see him before everyone dies of hunger! Joe they have food" Joey grabbed his coat "Food, I'm there. Come on girls what are you waiting for?" Rachel looked down "I'm not going. I can't do this" Monica nodded "I agree with Rach; you two go if you want"  
  
Ross' apartment  
  
"It's nearly ready. Pheebs I think it's a bit burnt" I can't believe that its like charcoal; it's black I take it to Pheebs "See? I told you I should have taken it out half an hour ago" Pheebs smiled "Pizza?" As she lifted the phone to her ear I feel slightly sick; it's quite normal the tablets usually trigger it off. I nod and head to the bathroom. I could swear that I heard the doorbell; well pizza delivery got faster since I left "Pheebs was that the pizza?" 


End file.
